W5: D4 - Half Marathon

We rose at 5:00 AM, I dozed on the way to DC, and we made good time. I woke up in time to marvel at how quiet the city was, and be perturbed at myself for forgetting my camera and being unable to take drive by pictures of the lovely architecture. We had never been in this part of DC before. The sky changed from blue black, to gray, and then finally, for the first time in what felt like a REALLY long time, to bright blue. .

Finding the packet pick up and registration proved to be problematic, but we found it. I productively munched half a Cliff Bar as we meandered down the street, chewing thoroughly to help it digest smoothly.

I picked up my number, 80, rather pleased that it had an 8 in it. I'm not superstitious, but my previous race numbers were 318 and 138, I like that they all had something in common. I introduced myself to the race director, who was very pleasant. Originally we'd planned for me to start early, but when he realized I didn't have crutches or a walker, he said I would be fine starting with the others.  I felt good and weird about that.

I found my way to the starting area. And we were off. The director called out my name, cheered, and waved as I passed. I smiled.

The C&O Canal Towpath is not very wide.  I ran with my iPod and headphone off, trying to take in the sights and sounds around me, and keep a steady pace. After all, even though this was a race, it was more importantly a training run for the future.

Soon, and as expected, everyone passed me and ran out of sight. There were a lot of obstacles to avoid because the course was not closed.  Non racers, on foot and on bikes, kids, dogs in addition puddles, and the worst of the mud. I thought there might be markers at each mile, and maybe their were, but I didn't see them. Just as I was getting nervous about being too slow I made it to the water stop at about mile 2.3. I took some water even though I didn't need it at that moment, I knew I'd need it later.

On I went, mostly alone, although some other non-racers and cyclists passed me. I was surprised by my doubtful mind, thoughts like, "Just walk, it would be easier," and "You're slow," were popping up, but I brushed them aside. I focused on the canal, the flowers, and the best route through or around the puddles. In an odd way I began to enjoy it when water seeped into my shoe, because inevitably my feet got dry again, and then wet again. I began to guess at each puddle whether or not my feet would get wet or not.

I turned on my iPod, leaving it at a low volume so I could still hear the other people around me. At the second water stop near mile 5, a volunteer asked me if I was going to go all the way, and I said yes. I tripped twice, but did not fall, the route was hard packed dirt with various rocks, a bit more hazardous than the asphalt of home. Neither of my injuries were bugging me, I felt pretty good actually.

Other runners, the fast ones, began to pass me on their way back, which was difficult in the areas made narrow by large puddles. I stood aside for them, they could be on their way to winning money, prizes, or a new PR, I wasn't out for any of that, so a few seconds wouldn't make a difference. I thought it would be more mentally and emotionally challenging to watch everyone pass me, but it wasn't. I saw it as personal progress, the more people I saw, the closer I was getting to the turn around.

I began studying people as they passed. How was their form? How hard did they seem to be pushing themselves? Were they hurt? Some acknowledged me as I passed, some did not, I didn't mind. The post turn around miles would be hardest for me, I assumed that was true for others as well. I was having trouble reading the time on my iPod, but I hoped my pace was still on par, I was mindful of each step, making sure I did not speed up or slow down.

I caught glimpses of the Potomac River in all its splendor through gaps in the tree line. I hope to some day be one of those runners who has the time to take pictures as they race. I found myself comparing the river to the canal on my right side, and looking back now, I think Shakespare may have found the proper words to contrast the two, though of course the deeper meaning in the text must be forgotten:

"Her vestal livery is but sick and green, And none but fools do wear it." (Romeo and Juliet, 2.2.9-10, Balcony Scene)


This photo of Harpers Ferry is courtesy of TripAdvisor


Other runners told me I was nearing the turn around mark, right on schedule. Soon I was alone again as the last runners made their way past me. A bit of worry and confusion crept into my mind as the turn around did not appear. The trees overhead made the sun dapple the ground, which was lovely, but made telling time more difficult.

"Perhaps I'm just slowing down a bit, or wasn't going as fast as I thought," my mind reasoned.

As 9:45 or the 1:45 mark came and went, I grew more concerned.

"You have to run 6.55 miles to get there, your 6.2 mile time was about 1:36."

When I got a good read on my watch again, I realized it was now 9:47, so I might not have been as far as I thought, because it must have said 9:27 before. I felt a little better. I did not know how the turn around was going to be marked, but since it was at the 6.55 interval, I figured they would have to mark it somehow.

And then 10:00 came and went. My resolve started to slip.

"2 hours to run 6.55 miles..."

When I ran 12 miles, I hadn't begun to slow so noticeably until mile 9 or so. My first 7 mile run finished in 1:45... Maybe I couldn't tell I was so slow because I'm not used to running by new scenery or in a line.

For the next 20 minutes my mind busily tried to calculate how long it would take me to get back, factoring in what I knew would be about a 3:00 to 5:00 increase in pace per mile and this molasses pace I was running.

And then I saw it around 10:15. A marker on the trail.

Mile 9.

And then the doubts I'd tried to be so cavalier about silencing were strengthened.

After the last runners had passed me, and I'd made it another few minutes down the trail with no sign of the turn around, I started to think that maybe, they'd taken the last water station and the turn around marker assuming that the other two runners I passed, were the last ones. I had told myself,

"No, you would have seen them coming back down the trail with stuff, or something,"

"But there was a Parking lot there, remember?" part of my brain interrupted, sounding a bit like a hybrid of the big mean snake from Harry Potter and the eels from The Little Mermaid.

"Oh."

"They forgot about you."

"Maybe they didn't, maybe that sign is for a spur trail."

"But aren't you on pace to be at the 9 mile mark?"

"Yes. So, I'll just keep going, I'll still run the 13.1 miles, there's probably other markers down there."

I kept running, passing under a large overpass and into the unknown. But something about the overpass scared me, as did not knowing when I might next see a parking lot or landmark. And then I realized that if I didn't show up within a reasonable time, back at the start, my husband would worry. So, I thought I'd run/walk back. I would complete the race. But the same fear popped up, plus the addition of not being sure I could make it. And, knowing we had to leave by 2:00 at the latest so he could be at work on time.

"Just run back about 4 miles, to where the other water stop was than at least you'll know you did it."

And I wanted to, so badly, but I knew that was another hour's run, and I knew I could do it, but even if I made it that far, I'd still have to walk 5 miles back to the start. My mind started factoring again, conservatively it was at least a 3 hour return trip.

I started to imagine everyone gawking at me when I arrived back at the start. Or maybe they all went home, but then if they did, my husband would point out I wasn't back. And then what if they thought something had happened to me, I pictured a park ranger driving up to me and telling me to get in his truck because he'd been dispatched to find me.

I forced those thoughts away and remembered a parking lot that had looked quite busy not far back, and so, rather close to tears, I stopped running, and turned around.

10:47 AM I officially gave up.

I walked slowly, planning as I went. Get to parking lot, find people, borrow phone, call husband, wait for him. I hoped the parking lot was still busy. I remembered seeing a sign advertising an open house for a historical site, though I couldn't remember the date. It wasn't long before I came to the parking lot again.

I told the park ranger I needed to find a phone and she let me borrow hers. I hoped very hard I remembered my husband's new phone number correctly. Thankfully he answered. I told him I'd gone too far and where I was.

It turns out they were having an open house for one of the shelters along the trail and a nature walk. There was also free lemonade and cookies. I didn't want to take anything, I wasn't going on the walk or going to the house. But I needed to replenish, so I had some pink lemonade and a snickerdoodle. Afterwards I walked up the small hill to the parking area, sat down on the curb, and waited.

I still refused to believe I hadn't made some horrible error as far as directions. It was too easy and convenient to say the race volunteers had forgotten about me. I wanted to at least consider my own responsibility. What I was really upset about was the fact that I hadn't been able to make the distance, race or no race. I thought I might cry, but maybe I was a little too dehydrated, or just too disgusted with myself. Or too something.

Where had my mental strength gone? How could I ever make 26 miles if I couldn't make myself run 10 miles? Maybe the 12 mile run had been a fluke. I was a quitter, a disappointment, a failure. My body, mind, and spirit were weaker than I believed. Perhaps this was their way of saying, "Stop, don't, you can't."

Often runners talk about how a race is far more about winning against the race or one's self than it is about beating other competitors. Part of my running joy had come from the fact that there was a place for someone like me in a race.

Everyone can play baseball, but not everyone can go to the World Series . But everyone who runs, runs the same race as some of the best athletes in the world. For so long I thought the sport of running was never even a possibility. But it turns out it was probably a sport I had the most chance at success with on a competitive level. Because there were no teams to make, no judges, just me, just me and time.

But I could not overcome myself, and the message I had received from the race was, "You are too slow." I forced myself not to dwell too much on these negative thoughts.

When my husband arrived I fell asleep in the car rather quickly.

Back at home I emailed the race director to let him know what happened. They had already posted the race results online. It stung to see that if I'd finished in the time I planned, I would have only been about ten minutes behind the last finishers. A few hours later my suspicions were 99% confirmed via a response from the race director. They had most likely taken down the Mile 7 water station before I arrived, along with the turn around marker. The gentleman apologized, and I told him not to worry about it.

I was in this weird emotional state. I felt I could cry, but knew I wouldn't. I wasn't angry, I was never angry about it, what good would that do? I appreciated the apology, but I didn't seek it, or any kind of recompense. I wish I finished and earned my medal, but did not dwell.

I question whether or not I should race again. I was forgotten, first in the 10K and now in the Half. I prepared myself to be last, even a distant last, but I had not prepared to be forgotten. I was forgotten again even though I'd tried to take precautions this time.

I want to prove to myself that I can finish and finish without being forgotten. But this is the wrong motivation. I should be satisfied without having to make my presence known, but I suppose it is natural, to want to finish and feel only the joy of the accomplishment. I think that is what I'm running after, pardon the pun.

I want to run a race and know that all I need to think about is running, not about whether the people are going to be where they say, or if they are going to forget me. I want to finish and feel only joy, not confusion or hurt. And I know, I only feel hurt because I allow myself to, but I am sure even the best marathoners would feel a little pain if they knew people had taken the course apart before they finished.

Now is the time to reflect on whether I will continue my training or postpone it until I can find a marathon I know I can finish.

W5: RD2 - Yes or No

So, after the high of registering for the half marathon, I emailed the race director for a after details check.  After an exchange of emails where I thought I would not be able to run because of their "preferred" time limit, I am still running.  The entire issue was a bit annoying since Active.com advertises it it as a "No Time-Limit" event.  
As an aside, my left foot feels fine for weight bearing and everything else, and my right foot seems to have recovered from its visit to Doctor Dumb.  No phone call today, so probably not broken.  Still not betting on gout however.

W5: D3 - Doctor's Visit

My doctor's visit proved to be less than fruitful.  As far as my left foot he explained that I was simply doing too much and I should not be running 12 miles, nor should I be considering a half marathon in late November or December.  I explained that the program I was on was a gradual build up over a long period of time, but he didn't listen.

We moved on to my right foot, which I hurt during Haidong Gumdo, I landed hard on the big toe joint.  The area is still a bit sore if I push on it, but overall, it doesn't bother me much.  Although, when lovely doctor decided to press on it over and over, after my very clear, "Yes, it hurts there's," it hurt more.  For that he insisted I get an X Ray.  He was sure it was probably arthritis or gout.  I tried to tell him the area only started hurting after I tripped hard on it, but again, my information and opinion were of little value.

I'm Getting a New Doctor, Preferably This One

At X Ray World, they don't tell you the results there, they fax them to the doctor, the doctor reviews them, and then you get a phone call in 2-3 days, unless something is broken, then you get a call in 1.  Seems like an excellent system.  /sarcasm.

W5 D2: A Bit Of Pain

Today the plan was to run 6 miles.  However, my left foot is troubling me a bit.  Just underneath that bone that sticks out midway on your foot, on the big toe side, it is tender to the touch and hurts when I bear weight.  I think it is the tendon or ligament under there, it feels funny too.  I can feel something moving around a bit when I press, not a bone though.  So, I decided to err on the side of caution since I'm planning to run a half this weekend.  It hurt yesterday as well, during the end of the run and after.  I brushed it off as kinks, but since it's the only thing area that is still bothering me, it gets a little more attention.

I scheduled a doctor's appointment about it. I wish I could just go to a specialist, but with my insurance we have to go to the primary first and then get a referral if he or she deems it fit.  It's not that I don't think my doctor knows what he's doing, but I think a specialist might have a better idea of what's going on.

W5: D1 - Postponed is Better than Skipped

By some strange happenstance I awoke this morning at 5:11. I had to use the bathroom, and then I realized I couldn't hear the pitter patter of ran on the windows. My ears are very sharp, but I put my ear to the pane to be sure. Nope, no rain. 5:11 was early, and we'd gone to bed late. But I knew I would run as soon as I put my ear to the glass. I was up, and even if it had been raining, I knew I'd go out.

My pre-run meal was more of an experiment than anything. I'd read that chocolate milk was an excellent pre or post run fueler, which excited the child in me. However, we did not have any chocolate. So I settled for 3 oreos and a bit of extra milk just to finish off the jug. I filled my water bottle, but rather than carry it I left it near the curb because when it's still full it is a pain to heft around.

I'd never run before sunrise. The sky was inky blue black and the streetlights were on. The world was quiet and still. I've been reading Zen and the Art of Running, so I was hoping it would help me on my run. I thought it looked an awful lot like night running, but soon I began to see that it was really quite the opposite. The sky was dark yes, but the velvety blue black gave me a new shade to look at every lap, once I took the time to notice. And once I noticed, I couldn't stop noticing. And it was beautiful.

I realized I could look much further ahead in the coming daylight. At night I see by puddles of streetlamp light, moving like a frog from one to the next. In the day I can see down the street and around to the second half of the loop. At the beginning of the loop I could see almost the entire track, which made it look much smaller. I was sad to see the lovely shade of dark blue go, but as the sky lightened I could see more detail in the tree line. In the grey overcast morning no longer were they black slightly blurred silhouettes, but green trees with distinct leaves and branches.

And soon the world was waking up. Cars and drivings were coming to life. A little boy was on his bicycle, another little boy was out with his adorable puppy. I apologized to this boy because the puppy was very keen to follow me. I jumped at the deep bark of the same dog whose first bark always startles me. The same children whose presence bothered me in the afternoon, were a welcome sign of life and progression, in the morning. For a moment I was annoyed at their appearance and refusal to move to one side of the street, but it was fleeting. Even among them I began to notice things. One girl was already on her cell phone, I felt bad for the young boy who was carrying a Red Bull, not a quality breakfast. They were a sign of the post dawn morning and of fall.

I finished in 3:21:38, or about 21:38 slower than I wanted to. But the important thing is I finished and I finished feeling better than I did when I ran 9 miles or 10 miles. I am a bit sore, there were kinks along the way, and I slowed down considerably around the last 3 miles, but it was not as difficult as the previous 2 long runs. 

W5: RD1 - Rain, Rain, Here to Stay

After missing my long run yesterday, I had hoped to make it up today, but I was rather tired, so I wanted to wait until the afternoon.  Unfortunately the rain came and only got heavier through the day.  Sometimes I push through the rain, but it was quite windy as well, and in that kind of rain it gets harder for me to see because the water spots up my glasses.

At least technically it is a rest day today.

W4: D4: The Run That Didn't Happen

Well, my awesome plan to run the awesome trail near us utterly failed.  The beginning of the trail is in a small city, which meant street crossings and then crossing a field.  I made it to the field, but then because there were 3 options as far as which direction to go, I got nervous and ran back to the map.  I was afraid to go the wrong way and end up somewhere I didn't plan to be.  By the time I started back my husband who had gotten worried when I didn't pass him, was on his way back.  So, I decided not to go for the 12 miler after all, I wasn't sure I'd be able to beat the setting sun by that point either.  I plan to get the run in though soon.

W4: RD2 - Weighing In On My Weight

I found running because I needed to lose weight.  Way back in February 2010 I wanted to do the Couch to 5K program and complete a 5K  I began the program, but I was too slow.  I could run when it said, and walk when it said, but I couldn't cover the distance it wanted me to.  Then in Tae Kwon Do, I sprained my ankle, those two things combined stopped me from running for a while.

I am now about 34 pounds lighter than I was in February 2010, and I'd still like to lose more weight.  Yes, I've been really slow about it, but there's been a lot going on in my life since February 2010.  I hoped marathon training would help me lose weight, but it hasn't, and that's okay.  Sure, I'm burning some calories, but because of the long runs, I need more calories to get through all those miles.  It comes down to what I want more.  I could stop training and focus on weight loss, or I could keep training and maybe lose a few pounds.  I choose to continue training.

Do I wish my stomach would lose inches?  Yes.  Do I wish a bit of my inner thigh would not jiggle quite so much?  Yes. Do I wish that the lovely toned look of my legs would start spreading to the rest of my body?  Yes.

I won't lie and say I'm not having a hard time accepting that while my body will get a bit stronger, it may look like this a little while longer.  I want to be a bit leaner, I want to be done trying to lose weight.  I don't want people to ask me if I'm pregnant, because so much of my weight is concentrated in the middle.  I was never seeking perfection, I don't need to be a certain size, or a certain weight.  I could be happy weighing 131 pounds if it were a leaner 131 pounds.

I'm not going to give up on losing weight while I'm in training.  I'm just going to adjust my goals.  I used to try to lose two pounds each week.  Now I'm going to shoot for half a pound, or at most one pound.  If I lose, I lose, if I don't, well, as long as I'm still on track with my training, I'll be happy.

W4: D3 - New 3 Mile PR

Well, it looks like this is the week for setting PRs, granted my original ones weren't that high.  I still didn't have much motivation, but I used it to my advantage.  My 3 mile run ended at 43:39, thirty seconds faster than my previous 44:09.  My only hope now is that my 12 mile run on Sunday goes smoothly.  I'm not expecting any time records, after all, this will be my first twelve mile run.  But I am hoping to complete the distance and feel decent afterwards, not well enough to go out and do it again, but well enough to not be hobbling from mile 10 onward.

W4: D2 - 5 Mile PR and It's Official

I ran 5 miles in 1:13:35. My previous 5 mile time was 1:16:21, so I shaved off 2:46. 

The Doctor is likewise surprised.

I was quite surprised.  


I wasn't really into the run, I think part of the reason I ran so fast was, I wanted to be finished.  I was still mindful though, I waited to add speed and did so in bursts and only sustained if I felt I could do so without hurting myself.


I think after having quite a lot of fun exercising with others, running alone for over an hour was a bit, well lonely.  I think I'm also getting a bit tired of the loop I'm running.  Just thinking about Sunday's 50 laps depresses me.  


On the positive end of the spectrum, I officially registered for the International Peace Half Marathon.  


This race in particular means a lot to me because they commemorate the events of 09/11/01 each year.  That day was a huge one for many, but I'll never forget sitting in sophomore English honors watching it on tv.  And then watching the boy from my class leave because his father worked in the city.  In the classes that followed, the same thing was true.  Kids were going to the office to call home.  In the days that followed, adults I'd grown up knowing, who were volunteer firefighters and search and rescue dog handlers would go into the city.  First to help find the missing and then to find the dead.


I hope I don't cry.  In a way, if I do, I'll be glad, I hope never to be desensitized to the events of that day or other tragedies.  It will be an emotional day next Saturday.  If there are tears, I hope the first are sad, and the final ones, the ones that come after I cross the line, will be joyful.

W4: D1 - Busy Bee

In spite of my trepidation, last night I went to Tae Kwon Do, Zumba, and Haidong Gumdo again. I am afraid to hurt myself or pull away too much of the energy my body wanted for those long runs, but I guess we'll call this experiment week. Kind of a stupid thing to do with the half marathon just around the corner, but there you go. 


I ran 3 miles, but it was not hard even after all that other activity. Some bits of my body were a bit tighter than normal, but in a weird way I felt like I had more energy. I did run cautiously since it was my first post All That Stuff Run ever, but I felt good during and after. My time was 46:48, slower than usual, but that's okay.

The big lesson so far has been, run before all the other stuff. At night I'm tired, and I'm glad because I'm sleeping better. On the plus side, the neighborhood kids started school yesterday, so daytime running is more appealing. 


I'm also surprised that after 3 hours of exercise and a 45 minute run, I'm fine. Right now I'm most sore from Haidong Gumdo, and well, you can't really prepare for cutting things with a sword, unless you're cutting things with a sword. Perhaps the second big lesson is, I can do more than I thought. 

I've adjusted my nutrition for all this extra activity, but I think I may try to introduce more carbs in the second half of the week because these long runs are double digits now. Fingers crossed.

W4 XT - I Did Not Run

So, I was all "I'm sticking to my schedule this week, I'm going to run etc." And then, I did not run. I planned to. I had time to. I had the energy to, I just didn't, but it was poor planning more then laziness.

I planned to run this afternoon, but I remembered today was "Bring a friend" day at our Tae Kwon Do school, I thought it would be a good day to go back. In addition they were offering a free Zumba class afterward, so I wanted to do that as well. I thought, "A 3 mile run will be a good day ender after all that."

Tae Kwon Do was a good work out, I've lost some flexibility, but overall I did well. I did sweat, but I didn't feel exhausted or incapable. It was good to see some of our old friends and meet the new instructor, who was very nice. Afterwards they had pizza, I had one piece of plain pizza, just like I 'budgeted' for. Next came Zumba, which I found to be easier than I thought it was going to be, I didn't know the choreography, but I caught on. Some of the more intricate footwork was harder, but I managed.

We chatted with the new instructor for a while and then came home. I planned to run, but I was tired. And it's getting a bit cooler out in the evening. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it. I could have done it, but if I push my long run to Sunday, there's still time to follow my schedule properly. 

W4: RD1 - Getting Back On Schedule

After 'adventures' with Irene, I did not cross train, in part because of Irene, but also because my quad was still sore, and being unsure of how to proceed, I decided to give it more rest, rather than stretch it or move it the wrong way and risk injuring myself.  As far as Irene, we were really lucky, we lost power for about 16 hours, but we were not evacuated or injured.  This morning I woke up and was tempted  to go right out for a 3 mile run, to make up for the one I missed.


However, after giving it some thought, I decided not to run.  Oh I feel a bit lazy, and a bit like I'm making excuses, but I want to follow the training schedule properly this week.  That means today, I rest.  I may go for a short walk later, but that's it, no running.  At the end of the week I have to face down, not a dozen donuts, but a dozen miles.  I haven't had a donut in a long time.

I'm still trying not to be discouraged about the ten mile incident, but I think until I do my long run this Saturday it's going to be on my mind.  I believe I can do it though and with proper preparation, I will do it well.

W3: RD2 - Oh Doubt, There You Are

So, let's look back at yesterday, because it's all I can think about.  


When last I had a long run, 9 miles, I finished in 2:21:00.  Not my best, not ideal, but still under 16:00 per mile.  Target time for 10 mile run: 2:30:00.  Learning from last week I tried to ensure my pace was a steady 15:00 mile every mile.  I thought my time suffered a bit last week due to starting out a bit too fast.  


I was doing pretty well, but around mile 8, it just got harder. I'm glad to say, not quite as hard as last week, or at least a different kind of hard, but still hard.  I think I may have "Hit the Wall" as they say.  Thankfully I don't think it was from inability as much as unpreparedness.  Whatever it was, I only got through those last miles because I refused to give up.  My first mental miles.  Last week I felt tired, but not this crazy, slow motion, whatever it was.


I felt it too, every lap was hard, long, slow, agonizing, but not pain wise.  When you're already clocking 3:30ish laps, an extra few minutes really feels...  


Mile 9 to 10 was the worst. I knew I could do it, but it was slow. My time at 9 miles was almost ten minutes slower than the previous week, and that time, was a bit slower than I wanted it to be. 

The last mile took me about twenty minutes. I have never run that slow. I ended up with 2:44:11, or about 16:24 per mile, nearly a minute slower than my previous time, and almost 1.5 minutes above my ideal time.  It frustrates me more because it was only in those last miles that I lost so much time.  The change boosted my estimated marathon time from last week's 7:18:50 to 7:35:45.

Now, it is great that I ran 10 miles. It's great that I felt slightly better doing it than I did last week, but I am having some serious doubt about my abilities. I have never experienced such a rise in minutes. There are certain things that factored in and as much as I'm trying to keep them in the forefront of my mind, the doubt is really kicking in. I hate the fact that it isn't yet the distance that has overcome me, but instead the time. And with the way my body has been feeling, I'm not sure I will actually make it. Maybe 7 miles is really my limit. I know I've made it 10 now, but it's getting harder and more unreachable difficult to reach. 

Even at my ideal pace I'm going to always be on the cusp of not making it.  But I will make it.  Even if that means I can't do it this year, I will do it someday.

W3: D3 - Good and Bad

I was supposed to run 3 miles today, but Hurricane Irene is coming.  I knew the odds that I could fit a 3 mile run in on Saturday were better than being able to fit a 10 mile run in.  So, I switched them.  I am glad I made it through all 10 miles, but my time shot to 2:44:11 or an average of 16:24.

I know I did a few things wrong.  Namely, I did not have my rest day, and I forgot my sports beans, and I did not drink at all during the run.  Still, to say it doesn't make me nervous would be a lie.

At that rate I won't be able to finish any marathons in the time allowed.  I am still glad I made it though.

W3: D2 - Pretty Darn Good

After my cranky episode yesterday, I was in much better spirits on Thursday.  We watched Spirit of the Marathon Tuesday night and I've been intrigued by something that was said in the film.  One of the runners featured talked about how she and some of her friends are constantly looking at their watches and thinking about the next run because they want to improve their times.  I can relate to that, in February 2010 when I started running I was always looking at my watch and trying to outdo my times.  Even this April when I started training for my first 5K, I was still glancing at my watch, trying to track each lap.

But when I started training in August, something had changed within me, (Wicked reference.)

It stopped being as much about the time, and much more about the distance.  Time will always be a big factor for me, but distance will too.  And the young woman in the film said she wished she could be more like the runners who simply went out and ran, and weren't focused on their time.  In spite of being so slow, I've noticed a shift in that direction and I like it.  I still check my watch sometimes, sometimes I lose count of my laps and I need to time a few to figure out how many I've done.  But overall my mind has decided to be much more focused on each step, rather than each second.

My target 5 mile run time is 1:15:00 or 15:00 per mile.  I finished in 1:16:21, I was really pleased about that.  No, it's not my target time, but it was pretty close.

W3: D1 - Just Get Out the Door

I was still not in the best mood on Wednesday.  But, I knew there were 3 miles worth of asphalt out there waiting for me.  I got out the door and rather crankily ran 3 miles, expecting a lower than average time. 

However, I was pleasantly surprised by the 44:52 that showed up.  Not my best time, but certainly a time I am happy with.  Maybe it's because I kept saying, "The faster you go the sooner you'll finish," and "Hurry up, don't you want to go inside?" in my head.  Or maybe it was life's way of saying, "Stop being such a sourpuss."

W3: No Run - On Sleep and Physicals

I haven't been sleeping as well as I want to, some of that is my fault, some of it I think, is my body adjusting to my running.  I'd planned to run in the morning but because I slept a little later than normal, I didn't.  I got an email about setting up a job interview last night, so I wanted to call first thing in the morning.  No biggie I thought, I'll just run after I call.  Well, I called and was told I'd receive a call back because the boss was busy.

Part of me wanted to just squeeze the run in, after all, what were the odds that the'd call in those 45 minutes?  But then, if I missed the call I might have to play phone tag again.  So I waited.  The call didn't come until early afternoon.  I worked on editing some photos from my sister's wedding and then went into the bedroom to relax for a bit.  After staring at the screen working on minute details for a few hours my mind needs a break.

I ended up dozing off, which I was rather perturbed about.  And by then it was time for my husband to come home.  When he came home I dozed off later for about half an hour, thankfully I woke up in time to change for my physical.

And let me just say physicals for pre-employment suck.  Because I have CP tests for coordination are a bit embarrassing and internally of course, I'm freaking out about potentially being turned down.  My vision is pretty bad, even with correction, and listening to the woman who couldn't take my blood pressure properly ask in an incredulous tone about my inability to read the line she asked, stinks, and it is kind of demeaning.  I mean I'd love it if my eyes worked better, but they don't.

And then of course inevitably the person performing the physical nowadays is usually a PA or Doctor who doesn't have much experience with CP, and even if they do, they always give me the "Wow, you'd never know... I've never met someone who was so articulate/able/etc speech."  Which in a way is nice, sort of.  I know what they mean, but it also makes me feel bad for all the other people they've encountered.  It also makes me feel like a bit of a freak.

That  feeling of freakdom is compounded of course by the physical itself.  When you check off the "Neurological disorders" box, they always ask, "Is that the cerebral palsy?"  Yes.  And again of course I'm internally worried that even though it's the truth, it could hurt my chances.  And then the tests.  Co-ordination tests are not fun.

I am accustomed to being watched by doctors, residents, nurses, etc, after all when you have to go to the hospital more than once a year for check ups when you're a kid, they watch you, and even if you get used to it, it's still uncomfortable.  You can always hear them talking, "See the way she raises her arms for balance, look at the difference in muscle tone in the right leg, and so on."  I understand future doctors of the world need to learn, but it's hard not getting frustrated while you're running down a hallway in the shortest shorts you own (because they have to see as much of you as they can) and they're talking about you like you can't hear you.

Okay, anyway, so the coordination tests are awkward.  Close your eyes, tilt your head back, lift your arms. I have no idea what they're looking for in this one, but I hate closing my eyes in unfamiliar environments.  And as I expected, I did feel a bit like I might fall over.  And then of course, walk.  Okay walk on your toes.  That one bugs me because I've spent my whole life trying NOT to do that.  And then walk on your heels.  I tried, but because my right foot ankle has a hard time flexing it's hard.  Since I didn't do well with that one I tried to do the heel toe line walk.  You know, the DUI test.  And well that did not go well either.  Thank goodness I don't drive or drive, and certainly don't drink AND drive.  I would fail, miserably at that test.

So, after that embarrassing experience I got to take a drug test.  Always fun to end an embarrassing, invasive evening by peeing in a cup.

Afterwards my husband and I had dinner and on the way home I fell asleep again.  I wanted to go out and run, but I knew I couldn't so I didn't.  That was hard, but clearly I'm tired.

Oh, and as a P.S.

Dear Medical Professionals of the World,
Please do the "Say ahh" test with your handy dandy flashlight BEFORE you stick the handy dandy flashlight in my ears.  I know you don't actually touch my mouth, but having something that was in my ear, even though I'm very hygienic, near my mouth is not cool.

Thanks.

W3: RD1 - Weight Gain

Well, after my triumphant return to the 120s last week, I have crossed back into the familiar land of the 130s, but I don't mind.

Running has given me the opportunity every week to measure my success without a scale.  I have never run nine miles before, but I did last week.  I have never run ten miles, but I will this week.  Weight loss is more like the icing on the cake, than the cake itself.  I guess I should work on finding a better metaphor, since I don't much like icing.

I did a little extra cardio today, just some light walking.  I need to do that more on cross training days, in addition to finding fun ways to cross train.  I get too antsy on Monday, but if I do too much on rest days I could impact my runs later in the week.

W2: XT- Cross Training at the PA Ren Faire

Warning: This blog is not exactly on topic as far as running, but it's a story to share, but feel free to skip along if you were looking for running related ramblings.

Today my husband and I set off for the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire.  I know, I know, this is not cross training, but walking is, and walking around was the plan.  After one of the SLOWEST breakfasts in the world, (one hour to receive 3 pancakes, bacon, toast, and oatmeal,) we finally arrived around 12:00 PM.

The plan was to donate blood to:

A: We could help replenish the amount my Mom has need throughout her ordeal (over 20 transfusions.)  B: Receive free entry to the Faire that day.

However I did not bring my ID, which was stupid for many reasons, one of them being if we'd gotten in an accident, and second you can't donate blood without an ID.  Thankfully after much frustration and digging around in my husband's wallet I found two non-photo pieces of identification and was allowed to donate.  Unfortunately by then my husband was finished and it was after 1:15.  But he needed to sit and rest a while as he'd nearly blacked out while giving blood (because even though I told him not to, he looked around at all the other people giving blood...)  So, after about half an hour I was taken to give blood.  After another twenty minutes they processed me and tested my iron...  Sadly, my iron was too low, 11.1 which is indeed not the 12.5 required.  The second test produced an LLL, which I think means it wouldn't even read it because it was so low.

Iron(y) alert, earlier that week I'd gone to the doctor because I thought my iron was low, but since he never called about it, I thought all was fine.

So, feeling quite sad about not being able to give blood, I walked back to my husband, ticket in hand.  I was grateful for the ticket, but as stated, after my Mom needed so much blood, giving back was the primary objective.  My husband and I spent some time walking around and checking out some shows.  We were watching a great group called Circa Paleo, but then a gentleman waved at them to stop, the bad weather we'd heard about was coming.  The kind group allowed us to "seek shelter" as the PA system was urging, onstage.

And then the rain came.  And then it stopped.  And came again.  And so it went until about 5:00.  Because we'd been cheated out of hearing the entire set by Circa Paleo we went back again.  It was still raining, but there was no thunder or lightning so the group was cleared to perform.  They felt badly about the rain, and because there were only three of us, they allowed us onto the stage apron and performed for us for almost an hour.  By then others had come, but it was really a great little intimate experience courtesy of mother nature.  We purchased a CD, had it signed and went on our way.

By 6:00 the rain was back again, hard, and I felt bad for the poor knights and actors who had to perform the Ultimate Joust, without horses, in the rain.  I felt especially bad for the actors who had to play dead in the mud.  Afterwards the company and we spectators dashed for the Swashbuckler's Stage, a covered stage area they use for the Finale when it rains.  It was a lot of fun and my husband and I will be returning again later this year, hopefully to sunnier weather.

Oh and I ate a Scotch Egg.  I don't eat a lot of meat, but I do love those things.  And I purposely ate a low fat, low protein breakfast to save room.

W2: D4 - 9 Mile Long Run

I have never run 9 miles before, and I have to say I'm a bit disappointed in my results.  I finished it, but I finished in 2:21:00, still within 15 minutes, but very nearly 16:00.  I also had a bit of a rough time on the last 2 miles.  It wasn't terrible, but it definitely wasn't as easy as the 7 mile run had been before.

While I am immensely proud that I went that far, because of my speed and the effort involved, I immediately became concerned about how hard next week might be.  But, rather than wallow, I tried to be pro-active.

1. I may have run the first 5 miles a little too fast.  I know better.
2. I tried my first GU this week.  Not terrible, but maybe I should have taken more or less.
3. Maybe I should try the Sports Beans, better texture.
4. I need to learn to pace my drinking, I'd never drank or ate anything on a run before.
5. I need to find the proper place to wear my waist bottle holder thing, and I should have done that before I was going out the door.
6. I need to try and keep better track of my laps, I may have inadvertently added or lost one or two.

Overall, still very proud, I hope next week's 10 miler proves a bit easier.

W2: RD2 - Appreciation

I'm really starting to relish the rest days.  As much as I like running, it is nice to know the pavement isn't out there waiting for me.  Because I'm trying to lose weight, I'm still respecting the rest day, while I would love to lose weight in the safest and quickest way possible, I would rather run a marathon.  So, if I don't lose weight this week because I didn't burn enough calories overall, that's okay.

Naturally, I hope to still get there, but at this point I'm not in as much of a rush.  I wouldn't mind staying at 130 if I could build up a bit more muscle and make it a leaner 130.

W2: D3 - 3 Miler Personal Best

Title says it all, I ran a personal best for 3 mile distance.  I was not in the best mood that day so I kept saying to myself, "A little speed now, you can be done sooner."  I didn't think much of it, but then I looked at my time when I was back inside.  44:09.  My previous best was 45:04.  Had I skipped the run I would have missed out.

W2: D2 - 5 Miler

Today was a five miler, and all went pretty smooth.  I finished in 1:00:48, about 15:09/15:10.  I hope I can stay around this time frame, my optimistic goal is to remain close to the 15:00 mile.

W2: D1 - Room for Improvement

Today I ran 3 miles in 45:42 or 15:14, a better time than last week's three mile runs, but I could have done better.

For starters, I waited until late at night to run, I do like running at night in our little loop.  It's safe, quiet, and cool.  However, I did not pace my meals well that day and I did not respect the rest day yesterday as well as I should have.  I think some exercise is fine, but doing a lot of walking on purpose probably isn't the smartest idea.

I'm also bummed that my pedometer thinks I only burnt 143 calories, because I didn't.  I probably burnt closer to almost twice that.

Still, I'm pleased, I hope the rest of the week continues to go well.

W2:RD1 - Weight Loss

After being on a bit of a 132 plateau for two weeks I broke through it and weighed in at 129.4 pounds this morning.  A 2.8 pound loss for the week and a total overall loss of 36 pounds.

I still need to consume more water, but adjusting my diet to eat about 1300 calories instead of 1200 I think is what did the trick, in addition to eating healthier things.  I'm very pleased, looking forward to tomorrow's 3 mile run.

W1: R4 - Not so Stellar End to the Week

I ran 3 miles today in 48:19, or about 16:06.  I won't say I wasn't a little disappointed.  I think it may have something to do with my sleep, I haven't been going to bed quite when I should.  And, I worked today, and I should have run before work, but I ran after.  Oh well, I finished, it's over, tomorrow starts a new week.

W1: RD2 - Take a Rest

According to my schedule I was supposed to run 3 miles today.  I didn't.  And I'm sad to say it was because I couldn't 

I started to get down on myself, but then I remembered, "If you had done the 7 mile run today, you would have taken the day off tomorrow."  So why was I so bummed about needing a day today?

I probably would have done more harm than good anyway.

W1: R3 - 7 Miles

I was supposed to run 2.5 miles, but I ran 7.  The idea came into my head and I pushed it to the back of my mind.

"You don't want to over train or injure yourself."

But it just kept nagging.

So I figured, "Fine, maybe I'll run 3 miles if I feel good enough."

And then three became four, and four became five, and then I was cooling down after a seven mile run.

I ran it in 1:45:40 or 15:07 per mile.  On my only other seven mile run on May 21st, I ran it at 1:43:20, but I'd also been training for two months, and I'd been pushing myself.  This time, it was a "Oh, okay I feel good enough let's keep going."

Afterwards, I was tiredish, but it was still more of a "I just had a good work out tired," than a "OMG must collapse" tired.  And as usual, the feeling of pride at what I had accomplished outweighed any other feeling.

W1: R2 - Three Miles and Veggie Cravings

This morning I went three miles in 46:09, or about 15:23 per mile.  Improvement from yesterday by about fifty seconds.  I felt good after the run, I keep expecting to feel more winded, but I don't.  I hope that's an reflection of an improved fitness level since the spring, even if my time is still about the same.

I usually get at least five or six servings of fruits and vegetables every day, but lately I've wanted more.  I don't know if it's because our CSA provides us with so much quality produce, or my body preferring it as fuel, but I am up to nine or ten servings a day.  I figure it is safe as long as I still get enough food and nutrients, it is strange though, cutting out almost all pasta/bread/rice because my body just doesn't want it.  At least not right now.

W1:R1 - First Run

I ran 2 miles.  I finished in 32:15, above sixteen minutes, but not bad considering I haven't run in almost 3 months.  I felt some tightness in my quads, but it was not as difficult as I thought it might be, though I was gentle to my body.  I'm really pleased that I don't have any blisters and I did not feel discomfort from my shoes, back in the Spring I got some blisters and such.

For those interested, I weighed in at 132.2 this week.

No loss, but no gain, and considering I went to my sister's wedding and indulged a lot over the weekend, I'm pleased.

My Husband & I at the Wedding

W1: RD1 - Outrunning the Fear

I realized that a lot of what holds me back is fear and doubt.

What if I try to go faster and end up going slower overall?  What if I go faster and can't finish?  What if I hurt myself and end up unable to get to the marathon?

But I realized I have to try.  My comfort zone has always is between sixteen and fifteen minutes per mile and I'm not ashamed because most all, what I want is to be able to go the distance in the time allowed.  

If I don't push myself, I may never realize my full potential.

What if I could run without worrying about not finishing under the time allowed?
What if I could run and not be last?
What if twelve or even ten minutes per mile, really could become my new comfort zone?

Eventually, I will find the answers to the those questions.

Joining the Chorus of 26.2 Dreamers

Four and a half years ago, someone training for a marathon told me approximately one percent of the population has run a marathon.  That same someone expressed doubt at my ability to be part of that group, when I mentioned giving it a try.  For a few weeks I ran on the treadmill, eventually giving up because I thought that person was right.

And then in February of 2010, I weighed 165.4 pounds my personal high.  I'd been trying inconsistently and unsuccessfully to lose weight for about seven months prior.  So, when I reached that apex, I buckled down.  The first twenty pounds came off fairly easily, but I expected them too, I'd been in a holding pattern at 145 for a while prior to shooting up to 165 from late 2008 into 2010.

I began training for a 5K, two weeks after I started losing weight, but that didn't last because I sprained my ankle, and not long after that my Dad passed away.

Somewhere around my 25th birthday, The Voice in my head started.  It talked about the marathon in a very Field of Dreamsesque voice.  It had arguments, a long range plan, websites, and determination.

"Think about running a marathon before you're thirty," it began.

"Take your time, run a 5K before you turn 26," it gently whispered.

"Next year, run a 10K," it added later.

"Run the half after that, and finally, the Full when you're 29."

So, I thought, "Okay, well I can probably finish 3.1 miles before next November."

But the holidays came and went, and then in early March my Mom became very ill.  She is still in the hospital and on the long road to recovery.  I spent three weeks at my parent's home with my siblings during a very critical period.  I gained 10 pounds and bounced back to 146.6.  But rather than let it discourage me, I became more focused.  I lost 6.2 pounds in March, putting me back at 140.2 pounds.

Then on April 1st the voice said, "Why not now?"

And so it began.

On April 30th I ran my first 5K in 46:21.
On May 7th I ran my first 10 in 1:35:46.

I know I'm not fast, but for me it's not as much about speed as it is just getting to the end.  I will never be "fast," but I'm hoping to be running comfortably at a 15:00 mile pace when my first marathon comes around.

As Captain Malcolm Reynolds said, "Faster would be better," but finishing is the primary goal.

If you're wondering why after doing so well there's been a delay, well in late May I sprained my ankle.  After recovering from that there was heat wave here, I tried to run, but I just didn't have the stamina to do it in that kind of weather.  I continued to focus on my weight loss and building my endurance through walking.  I won't be able to finish a marathon this year, but that doesn't mean I have to give up entirely.

Days of Firsts

On April 30 2011, I was participant #183 in the Country Roads 5K.  In looking at the previous years results, I knew I wouldn't be anywhere near the front, but that didn't matter to me, I just wanted to be able to finish.  My husband joined me on a whim, and he finished just behind me.  My time was 46:21, it's not what anyone would call fast, but it's what I expected.  15:00 per mile is very good by my standards.

The course was very pleasant, very beautiful.  The race was held at a winery between my childhood home and my school.  Parts of it, I was very familiar with, but other parts were new to me, and indeed they were very beautiful.  Green fields, trees, horses, water, flowers, and a beautiful blue sky.  I hope to return to the route soon and take pictures and explore at a slower pace.

The following week, I continued my training program, but at some point The Voice, drifted into my thoughts.

"Why not try for 4 miles?"

And so I went on.  And when 4 miles didn't feel so bad, I went 5.  And then 5 didn't seem as terrible, so I went 6.  And then, to be safe, I began cooling down.

"There's got to be a 10K coming up," The Voice told me as I stretched.

So I looked.  And there was, in Lancaster, PA on May 7, 2011.  Ironically, the Country Classic.

"But it's too soon."  I told myself, I didn't want to injure myself and risk the ultimate goal.

I couldn't shake the urge to try the race, so after much hemming and hawing, I found myself in Washington Boro, PA on the morning of May 7th, bemused at the fact that I was #138.  There were probably more than 500 people present, but most of them were there for the 5K.  Around 150 people remained after the 5K start, ten minutes ahead of the 10K.

I nervously took my place at the back of the pack.  And the air horn sounded.  Unlike the 5K where many people walked, everyone ran, and while I'd been able to stay close to the pack in the 5K for a little while, in the 10K everyone was quickly out of reach.  But I was okay with that, in looking at the results from years past, I expected the person ahead of me to be about 20 minutes away.

I reached the first mile in 15:04.  A little slower than what I wanted, but I felt fine, .  During Mile 2 I made up some ground thanks to all the downhill.  Mile one to two was 14:20.  After a small hill at mile 2.5, the big climb started near the halfway mark.  A hill that climbed about 100 feet, not that big really, but I definitely felt it.  From there it was fairly flat, though there were some longer, flatter hills.  I was alone for the entire race, except for the truck that followed me as a precaution I guess.

As I ran towards the finish, I almost dreaded it.  I was last, and I was embarrassed at being last.  I hate making people wait for me, and finishing what I assumed was a distant last, in a race, is like the epitome of making people wait.  I was also proud, I was finishing a 10K, I had run the entire thing.  I tried to look at the clock to see what my time was, but it was gone.  That struck me as odd, so I just glanced at my watch.

I was afraid I'd hear the announcer say something like "And here comes our final runner," which would have made me want to keep running until I got home again.  But he didn't.  I just heard bits of applause here or there.

When I did finish, I didn't know what my time would be, my watch read 1:36:06.  I looked at my tag when they pinned it to the board, 1:35:46.  My husband told me everyone (except him) thought the woman who finished in front of me around 1:25, had been last.  This might have explained why, after about mile 4, I didn't see any more volunteers on the course, and why the cyclists for the next event started popping up.  I also started seeing cars, though they may not have closed the roads for the race.  And it also explained my quiet finishing experience and the disappearance of the clock.

I have to admit I was a little hurt.  I hadn't wanted special recognition, but I felt almost forgotten, and perhaps that's because I kind of was.  I prepared myself mentally to finish last, and not a close last, but a twenty minute or so last, because based on the previous year's results, and my training times, I knew where I would be.  I even emailed the contact person to ensure that there was no time limit, and he had said as long as I finished within two hours, I would be fine.

I hadn't prepared to be whatever it was that you would call what I was.  Forgotten seems too harsh. My handle of the English language is failing me, which is said since I was an English major.

The course was very scenic, except for a tiny bit that looped around what I think was a power plant or a water treatment plant..  Fields, green pastures, picturesque barns and farm houses, and plenty of horses.  It reminded me quite a lot of another part of Pennsylvania where my great grandfather lived before he passed away.  And although it was not as flat as I was accustomed to, I don't think it impacted my time too much.  I was hoping to average 15:00 per mile or about 1:33:00.

After the race there was quite a lot to do or eat.  The race was sponsored by Turkey Hill, so there were drinks, chips , fruit, hotdogs, and of course, ice cream.  I ate an apple and drank two bottles of water.  My husband and I walked around a bit and then went back to the car.  I checked on the blisters from my new shoes, that hadn't quiet healed before the race.  Most of them were fine, only one of them was bothering me.

I changed the band-aids and my shoes and we impetuously headed to Ronks, PA and the Strasburg Railroad.  I was more sore than I had been after the 5K, but then after the 5K I felt no soreness at all.  We didn't go into the Railroad Museum, $20.00 was a bit pricey for a spontaneous trip.  We decided to go to Millers Smorgasbord for lunch.  I was quite hungry, but still tried to eat sensibly, and slowly.  The food was quite good.   After a second spontaneous trip to see my in-laws for Mother's Day, and dinner with them, we finally headed home.

I hope to knock off those extra three minutes the next time I run a 5K, and I think I will after some more training and with a flatter course.